​Grief and Gratitude.

 

Anyone who has experienced a bereavement in their lives will go through a grieving process and that process looks very different for every individual.

 

My own grief path has somewhat taken me by surprise and has led me to many conflictions in my own mind.

 

Losing a child is the most painful experience a parent will go through especially as the loss goes against the order of life.

 

If the passing of a child was traumatic then there are other emotions at play such as guilt of not being able to protect your child, even if there was not anything you could have done.

 

I mentioned conflictions, well, I will try and explain what I mean by this as best as I can.

 

My son, Connor was everything to me and I was very aware that his medical complications  may have  meant there was a high chance of losing him before I passed away. Even though I had this in the back of my mind I always thought  if that were to be the case then I would not want to carry on. That may sound drastic I know, because I do have a life away from being a mum, but to me that was the biggest part of my identity especially considering how much care he needed from me. I also thought I would get many more years with Connor, way more than 24.

 

So how am I still functioning and why have I not just given up?

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The details of what happened to Connor and where, cannot be openly discussed at this time, however I do wish you all know that whatever the outcome of the investigation, I do not want to be entirely negative about the hospital he was in or the treatment he received. This is my biggest conflict. In the first weeks of Connor being in ICU, he was receiving outstanding care from dedicated staff that wanted to do their best for him and also his very last hour was peaceful and dignified as he passed away with family and friends surrounding him. The nurse there in his last moments is someone I will ever forget. Her gentle ways and her empathy was beautiful in a moment so tragic.   

 

Connor’s last few days were so awful I cannot even find the right words to use and this is why my grief process is so complex. If  Connor had passed away because he lost his battle with Flu A and Pneumonia I would have been just as heartbroken but maybe not have so many unanswered questions. This is what I am still struggling with and will need help with as time goes on.

 

Not long after Connor’s passing the support I received from the bereavement team and patient safety team was a safety net for me and a support I could not have done without. I was receiving the most wonderful care and attention from a place that I feel failed my son and that was very difficult to get my head around and still is if I am honest.

Despite the worse outcome  I do have immense gratitude to some of the staff on ICU and I will always remember those that went above and beyond for Connor . I believe positive changes have already been implemented within the hospital because of what happened to Connor , and I will write more about that as and when I can,and I will be supporting and championing any changes that mean what happened to Connor will not happen again. If there is learning from what happened and it is implemented and taken seriously then Connor did not die in vain.

 

So, how am I continuing?

 

Connor’s teaching is not done. He may not be here  in person but because of who he was he has left a legacy for me to carry forward and with the help of some very special people, including my family, friends, and people at the hospital we will do just that.

 

It has been like going to therapy for me to create this website and talking about Connor has helped with my grieving process. I have also kept myself very busy with work and doing new activities outside of work which helps stop my mind wonder back to those dark, sad days. I can also take myself to his two memorial benches that are in Andover and Newbury to sit and reflect and look through the trees just how he loved to do.

 

If you see me in public, I will give a smile and no one will know the pain that lays beneath my smile. I still have times when I cry uncontrollably because I will always miss Connor and always live with the guilt I feel about wishing I could have saved him from the pain and suffering he went through.

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I am so grateful for having Connor in my life for 24 years. How lucky am I to have shared those years with   a young man that gave unconditional love, a young man that was so innocent and saw the good in everyone he met.  A young man whose strength and courage is something I could never live up to.

 

I am sure that grieving never really ends it just comes and goes in waves but hopefully I will do Connor proud and help him live on forever in people’s minds and hearts. He will live on forever in mine.

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