Navigating life with a broken heart.

16 months on from losing Connor I sit in my room by myself with my own thoughts, wondering through my tears what is the point of carrying on! I am in so much pain both mentally and physically and both are invisible to all those I meet because I greet them with a smile. My friends, family and strangers see the outside of me, working, shopping, going to the gym, smiling and may think I am ok but grief has gripped me underneath that exterior and I feel broken.

Keep smiling

My smile use to be natural , it use to be easy to smile because I loved life, I appreciated my life but now my smile is painted on in the morning to get on with my day and pretend everything is ok. I always had this feeling of gratitude for who I have in my life and what I have in my life but now I am trying to live life with a broken heart . I still have gratitude, especially for who is in my life but the joy is tainted because Connor is no longer part of my life ( in a physical sense).

Not Linear

Creating a life without Connor has been difficult. navigating a life through grief and pain is exhausting for the mind and the body and I am certainly feeling it. Grief has a process that is described in a linear way of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance but in reality it is not linear, it is all jumbled with some days being more ok than others. I have days of functioning very well to days of being completely broken.

Grief after losing a child is unique and deeply personal. It does not follow a set timeline or pattern. Parents may experience a wide range of emotions, including shock, anger, guilt, sadness, and numbness. These feelings can come in waves and may resurface unexpectedly, even years after the loss. Maybe the understanding of this helps as time goes by

In my heart

So how do I begin to live a life with a broken heart? losing a child is the most painful thing a parent can go through and if I do not end it all right now I have to find a way of living without him. Am I truly without him or is he in my broken heart holding it together? ,the memory of him helping me move forward. Has he passed on the courage he had in life onto me? Questions I ask myself when I ask how am I still functioning?

No moving on

Losing Connor is a lifelong journey and it is difficult to live alongside the absence of him. There is a part of me that never wants the grief to go away because that may mean I am not missing him as much. I believe the grief will never go away, it will just change shape and feel different. Moving on is not something I am doing, moving forward is something I have to do.

Finding ways to live differently

I have had feelings of not wanting to be here, not because I want to die but because I can not imagine a life without Connor and it is so difficult trying to navigate how I do that. Connor was a brave and courageous young man and it is his strength that is helping me find a different way to live my life. I am immersing myself in nature and nurture and the two coincide as I spend time with friends on long walks through our beautiful countryside. It is finding the light and beauty of life again as it has been very dark, especially the first year of being without Connor. I guess this is because of all the 'firsts' anniversaries .

It's ok to accept help

I've relied on my friends and family to hold me up when I am falling, to walk alongside me and encourage me to talk about Connor, to remember him and to tell people what a remarkable human being he was. I am also going to counselling to explore my emotions around not the fact Connor passed away but how he passed away. That is what I am struggling with the most and I need help with those feelings. Asking for help is not weak, it has taken courage to ask for help. I could quite honestly disappear under my sorrow but that would not be fair on Connor or all those who care about me.

It is OK to not be OK but I am working on having more OK days.

Choices

Destruction or creation? I could destroy what I have left of my life or I could create a new life, a different life, one of hope and joy. The difficulty is being able to create that life when I am feeling desolate. Will I wake up one morning and not feel in so much pain or will I have to make a conscious effort to create my new life. There are of course things that I can do to help myself such as honouring Connor's memory which I have done in way of two memorial benches and this website. I could be with friends and family, exercise and eat a balanced diet which I try and do. I could seek counselling which I am now doing. I am doing everything I can to live a life with a broken heart and everyday I can make a choice , however I do feel at times a choice is hard to make when emotions take over.

What I do know

I will never stop being Connor's mum and that is one of my identities. At first I thought I had lost that identity but I have not, it has just changed. Losing Connor does not mean I am no longer a mum. I am and always will be his mum and I still have to support him and fight his corner and shout from the roof tops about how incredible he was and how he can now help others. My love for him has not died, it is stronger than ever. I know that being Connor's mum is not my only identity either but there is a danger of making it so through grief. Your whole world caves in when a parent has lost a child and nothing else matters, nothing else seems important enough to carry on but I am a daughter, a sister, a friend and I have a job I love. I am me and trying my best and that needs to be enough right now.

Thank you

Thank you for reading my first blog post. I am new to doing a blog and may not have got it right straight away, however I wish to learn so I would be grateful for any feedback or comment. Please also feel free to leave a comment about your own journey through grief and what is helping you through that journey. Whilst looking for some online support for myself I came across Chasing Dragonflies which has many resources to help and support those that are grieving following the death of a child or a sibling. Their website is Chasing Dragonflies – Books and blogs about childloss

I will continue writing so please log in for another post sometime in the near future.

A hug I will never forget xxx