Talking about grief (part 1)

Talking about grief (Part 1)

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There it is, that word again! Grief, we all experience it but yet many of us will try and avoid talking about it because it may be too depressing,too close to home and far too real. There is not one person on this planet that has not suffered a loss in their lives and that does not always have to mean losing someone from a death.

In it's many forms

Grief comes in many forms. It is not just there because someone had died. Grief can be experienced because of a loss of something. That something could be

from a divorce or a breakup, loss of a job, moving on from one stage of our lives to another, ambiguous loss (for example, having a parent with dementia) and even anticipatory loss ( grieving for someone that we know is going to die). Everyone's grief is real to them and it does not compare to anyone else's. Grief is a part of life but hardly anyone wants to talk about it.

So lets talk and listen

We need to talk and listen more, we need to sit with and be ok being alongside someone who is grieving. I did not want to face my grief at first as it was too painful and still is at times but now I have found a way to let it in, I let it be with me for a while because I believe my grief shows me just now much I love Connor. As much as I did not want to face my grief I equally did not want to move on from it. Moving on from my grief surely means I have forgotten about Connor but that really is not the case. Grief is so confusing at times. As you know I have talked about grief, well, written about it but I am thinking that is kind of the same thing. I am getting my feelings out there and making it rather public. Doing that is not for everyone but for me it has been a great help,even if I do not get any response from anyone, I am talking about it and I just know someone is listening and maybe someone is resonating with my words.

You're doing it right

I wish someone told me this. When we get signals that it is about time we should move on it can make us feel we are doing it all wrong. It is so very powerful when we find someone that sits with us and just be in the moment of our grief rather than projecting us into the future, a future we can not even envision ourselves. What each individual has gone through is their truth, their pain, their journey. It is different to our own story, our experiences and how we are coping with our grief . We really do not need to take on board anyone else's opinions on how we should grieve. We need to find our own way in our own time and how we are doing it is right for us.

Timeline

This is something we all really need to know. There is no timeline for grief. Even if grief were to follow the 5 stages of grief which ends in acceptance, grief can and probably will reappear trough our lives. There will be triggers such as anniversaries, sounds, scents and experiences that will take us back to grieving. As I have mentioned before in one of my other blogs, the 5 stages of grief is not linear, it is not a straight path and there is certainly no time limit on when we should experience these stages and for how long. Many factors will be in play here such as the support we have, the type of grief we are experiencing and our own feelings around grief. Grief can also be very complicated and connected to a trauma and with this type of grief it is very likely that we will be stuck or going round and round in circles and not getting anywhere.The early stages of grief can last anything up to 2 years if not longer so there should be no expectations from others to ' move on' after a year. Grief may be living with us for the rest of our lives but will fade into the background whilst we get on with our new reality.

New reality

That is what we are doing right? Living in a new reality. It is a reality without the person, the place, the event that we have loss and we have to somehow create a new life for us going forward. Again that will look so very different for everyone experiencing grief. We have to remember it is 'our' reality and no one else's. Others may expect us to go back to our normal selves before the loss but that is not our reality now, we have changed, our world has shifted. We were living in a world with them but now we are living in a world without them. There is no possible way we are going to be the person we were whilst they were with us, everything has changed!

Our new reality may even surprise us by giving us more clarity, more understanding and even more joy. If you are in the depths of grieving then reading these words may not resonate with you right now and I promise I will explain these feelings in more detail in my future blogs.

Being ourselves

Do we really have to follow the model of grieving? No I believe we don't. It is totally ok to do it our way. How often do we find it very difficult to do what is right for us? We are are all individuals and every part of us and what we do is unique to us, including how to grieve. Other peoples grief is not ' better' than our own! We need to accept ourselves exactly where we are and not where others may expect us to be.

Acceptance

We all know that the ' last stage' of grieving is acceptance. Firstly I feel saying it is the last stage does not sit right with me. It indicates to me that we now can draw a line under it, its done, its over. Acceptance of what? are we accepting the death or loss or accepting our new reality? Maybe it is both. Let me share with you where I am if I may. I have accepted that Connor is not coming back, his physical presence is not here anymore and as hard as it is I have accepted that. However I have not and really do not know how to accept the way he died. I may never accept it because accepting that means I have forgiven and I am not prepared to do that just yet or ever. There are some that would say that if I do not forgive it will eat me up forever, but as mentioned above I do not need to listen to what others say about that. I cannot accept the way Connor was treated in his last couple of days because it was and will never be acceptable. What I can do and really trying to do is to not define Connor to his last couple of days but look back on the wonderful 24 years I had him in my life. The acceptance for me is that I had 24 wonderful years with my delightful Son and now for the rest of my life he lives on in my heart and his legacy lives on in all that I am doing in his name.

Moving forward

If you have found the time to read Connor's last few days then you will know and understand that my grief is connected with trauma and to be honest with you I do not really fully understand how I am still here to tell Connor's story and to still advocate for him. But yet here I am! so in part 2 I would like to share with you some of the things and people who have helped me through my darkest days. Meanwhile please feel free to share how you are doing after a loss on here which is a place where there is no judgement and no telling you how you ' should' be grieving.

Thank you for reading or listening, please look out for part 2 in the near future.